The Shadow of Money

OK, time for some shadow revelations from the coach. I'm probably taking a bit of a risk here in exposing this, but the fact that I feel I can is reflective of the sense of trust that I feel with this group. I really honour each of you for that.

This evening's conference call has stimulated me to do this. The main focus of our conversation turned out to be around money and, in particular, debt, which we might in some sense think of as the shadow of money.

Well, debt is something I have plenty of experience of myself and something I have not always been very responsible about and this I want to share with you.

In January 2001, I declared myself bankrupt. Having run up £20,000 of debt after a couple of failed businesses, one or two ill-advised investments, living in a nice rented flat in Brighton but with no assets and virtually nothing coming in, I decided to throw in the towel. Off I went down the rather peculiar route of bankruptcy, where your debts are simply wiped off in exchange for a few punitive measures, such as not being able to have a bank account. I remember it being an incredible relief after months of sleepless nights worrying about the situation. The whole thing seemed so easy. I'd only recently met Colette whose unbelievable trust in me didn't deter from entering into a committed relationship with someone who was such a financial disaster area. Her trust extended in fact so far that she allowed me to become a signatory on her account which was registered in the business name that I was using at the time, Lighthouse Astrology. So, actually I just carried on as normal, as if nothing had happened.

Was there a pattern here for me? Oh yes. My historical pattern is to get bailed out by women, whenever I got in a financial mess, which was more or less all the time. I was a spiritual being. I'll inspire you, I'll write poetry for you, I'll enchant you with my words and my ideas. I'll seduce you with my myths and stories and carry you away on some otherworldly adventure. But don't ask me to be responsible around money. I don't understand it and it doesn't understand me! That was the story. Bailed out by my Mum originally, then by people dying in our extended family - that paid off my outrageous overdraft twice - both the people who died were women. Then the benefit system looked after me for a while, along with most of the women I'd been out with. Law of Attraction was working perfectly. The cardboard sign round my neck read: Esoteric Wisdom for Sale. Poor spiritual being can't take care of himself.

The story moves on. Two and half years after my bankruptcy, I decide I want to do an MA at Bath Spa University in Cultural Astronomy & Astrology, to study the culture, philosophy and psychology of beliefs about the sky. A course with less obvious vocational potential one could hardly imagine, yet my conviction that I was going to do this unique, incredible course was 100% resolute. I saw myself there and nothing was going to stop me. Undeterred by my relatively recent financial history, I approached the HSBC for a £14,000 loan. Bear in mind, I'm only six months out of my bankruptcy period. I walk in to the bank, brimming with confidence that they are going to give me the money I need. As far as I'm concerned the money is already secured. The woman makes encouraging noises, and then announces that the bank will need to do a five year check back over my credit history. My confidence dipped to say the least, yet I knew I was going to get this money. 'Fine, no problem'. I said. I'll send you whatever you need tomorrow, thinking that maybe some miracle would happen between now and then. That afternoon, I went to see a dear and trusted friend for a 'spirit release' session. I came out of that in an incredible space and my absolute confidence of where my life was going next was completely restored. We were leaving Brighton - we were off to Bath and nothing was going to stop it. 5 minutes later the phone rang. It was the woman from the bank. 'We've approved the loan', she said, 'no need to send us anything'. Well...

The story moves on. Three years later, having sponged off the loan and, at times, Colette's good will, I've had an incredible journey of knowledge and wonderful revelation, mental stretch, personal development, personal transformation, an MA distinction and phd in the pipeline, oh, and a £14,000 debt. Mmmm...

Between the time of my bankruptcy and the end of my masters, I had become very close friends, with a debt expert who knows the debt system inside out from by a debt collector, and a person who gets written off.

So we're now in 2006 - the week before I watched the Secret - I rang Michael (my debt magician) and asked him to look at my debts to see if he could write them off for me. He looked at them and said no problem - we can get those written off, and what's more he could preserve my credit rating and I wouldn't have to go bankrupt!! All my Christmases had come at once. What a relief! - £14,000 debt just wiped off like that with apparently no repercussions! No more £350 a month in debt repayments! With Colette egging me on (sorry to drag her in but she was!), I was all set to do it and began to put the wheels in motion. An action replay of my bankruptcy seven years ago except without the stigma. A perfect solution, it seemed.

Mid-September, I did a warrior training for men called the 'New Warrior Training Adventure' through an organisation called the ManKind Project, a relatively expensive training for which I predictably applied for and received a bursary. Over that incredible weekend, I confronted my shadow. I confronted the little boy in me who didn't want to grow up, didn't want to take repsonsibility, felt weak, impotent, unable to make an impression in the world. I drew upon a deep desire within me that had laid dormant for years. I came away from that weekend a different person, an initiated man. Everything changed. I took up the mantle of responsibility. I could no longer hide in the shadows and pretend that the world owed me a living.

Two weeks later I watched The Secret. Next day I began designing this course. Day after that, I rang Michael and told him I wasn't going to go ahead with the debt clearance. I was going to keep the debt and pay it off. Even though I didn't know how I was going to do it, I made that commitment. Colette said I was crazy (sorry darling!). But the truth is I haven't looked back since. A week later I paid back the bursary I'd received for the MKP weekend, even though at the time I did it, I couldn't see where the money was coming. Within half an hour, a client rang me out of the blue and ordered £300 worth of coaching with me. And this is the sort of thing that's been happening ever since. You could say it's in my stars if you want and I'm sure any good astrologer could find lots of evidence there that it is. But as an astrologer myself, I know that with Pluto crossing my mid-heaven this could equally have been a potentially destructive period. It's clear. You make your stars what they are through the way you engage with them. Pluto is about power and if I'd stayed weak and needy through this period and succombed to old patterns I would have mde myself a victim of circumstance and probably got hammered for it. As it was, I've turned it around. I've claimed my power and I'm claiming it more every day.

The debt repayments have actually gone up by 25 quid a month because of increased interest rates, but hey ho! I'm not concerned about it and I'm not attached to the outcome. I'm just not worried about it anymore. I'm focussing on prosperity and the more I do the more it comes. Colette and I have not had an argument about money in 4 months. Before we watched The Secret, we couldn't go four days without having a big row about it.

The shift?
1. I released the idea that my debt was something bad and made me a bad person.

2. I got that owning the debt by committing to its repayment was an honouring of my shadow. My shadow is to not take responsibility. My shadow is to assume that somebody else will deal my financial situation, and get me off the hook, because I'm not capable of doing so! I'm sooooo spiritual, sooooo not of this world. I can't be held to account if I can't handle nasty old money! Well, I know that's b****cks and I know that keeps me small, powerless, weak.

Taking responsibility for the debt has empowered me and I am paying it off joyfully (really) every month in the absolute knowing I am a conduit for abundance.

and the new reality is: I'm actually in a stronger financial position than I'm ever been in my life. My income has more or less doubled every month for the past six months. By May I expect it to be trebling. My income next year will so far outweigh anything I've earned in previous years that the taxman is bound to come knocking and see what the heck is going on. I'm declaring my income joyfully, I'm paying my tax joyfully. More than that, I'm actually taking care of somebody else, living in a flat that costs £850 a month to rent on more or less on my income alone. My financial turnaround has given Colette the opportunity to start again in a new city, invest in some publicity, without the worry of having to make money immediately. This is unprecedented in my life, to be able to support another person. And it feels almost effortless.

So there's my shadow - there are other aspects of course, but the lack of financial responsibility has been one of the biggest. And it's all been about playing small and pretending I can't meet the world in an earthy material way. It is clear to me that nothing could actually be further from the truth. As well as being capable of inspiring others with what I think and say, I know myself also now as being reliable, dependable, financially responsible, grounded in my being and confident of who I am - on planet, here, now, ready for action.

So who am I? Well, it's difficult to say. but I know I'm not simply the product of my past. That's just a trail I've left behind me. I know myself to a powerful energy generator, capable of manifesting anything I want for my life and making a big difference in the world by spreading the infectious enthusiasm that I have for life everywhere I go - living joyfully, freely, authentically in abundance.

That's my story. I hope it inspires you.

love John x